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I Wish I Could Love Him More

Storyteller: O. Nwokorie

College was my escape. Sure I wanted an education (at least I’m supposed to anyways). But more importantly, I just wanted to get away. I wanted to get away from the screaming, the arguments, the crying. And I did. And from going away, I was able to get the healing I so desperately needed. The peace I thought I could never achieve.  I learned to humanize him, in a way I never thought I could. For so long, I was his soundboard for all his fears and demons. And I internalized it all because I knew no better.  I started to become as negative and miserable as he is. Hurt and broken, just as I'm sure he is. But now I realize that because of his disappointments and his frustrations in his fairly long life, he just needed love, and a form of that love was validation. Because of my stubbornness and my pride, I never gave that.  I was SO angry about the way he treated me all these years, I vowed I would never respect him. So guess that's why he resorted to my siblings. They make him feel needed. I don't. They say that it's easy to love someone who shows you love back. But how do you learn to love those who don't show they love you? I guess I realize I may never know how I can love him. He's the one person that's caused me so much pain. But he deserves love, just like anyone else. He's just really difficult to love. But if I never been good enough for him my entire life, how much more good is my love now? How can I love someone who doesn’t love and appreciate himself? Every part of me wishes I could just pick up the phone and say hi. I wish I could vent to him about my frustration with men or laugh and tell stories over some Jack Honey and Coke. I wish I knew that he was proud of me and that he was honored to have me as his daughter.  I wish he would tell me that he loved me. But he’ll never be a man to let me know.  I wish I could say that I love him. But I have no idea. Or rather, I’m just really scared to. Because I know he’ll never say the words back.  He will never change.  He will never be the person I need in my life. And no matter how hard I work to create and live the best life possible for myself and others, that’s what hurts the most.

Bilphena YahwonComment