when it falls down, who you gon' call now?

these past few weeks have been hard.  filled with the unresolved grief over an ending and other hardships i have chosen to keep private. rebuilding parts of my self-esteem that were left tarnished. reaffirming my worth. reacquainting myself with myself. this heart of mine took a hit. and if the personal dealings of my life was not enough, if depression and anxiety was not enough, the world continues to offer me more grief. day after day, the breaking news keep pouring in.

i watch friends panic. here we are. some of us muslim. some of us women.  some of us middle eastern. some of us black. someone of us queer. some of us trans. some of us without u.s. citizenship. and some of us, some of us all of those things and more wrapped up in a box with oppression as the bow. all of us stunned.

it was all too much. and i folded in. i wanted to be alone. i didn't have words to put together. not for myself. not for my loved ones. i didn't have the answers and that feeling was defeating. 

when it all falls down, who you gon' call now? 

this is from one of my favorite kanye song, "all falls down" and before this week, i never found anything spectacular about that line. compared to other parts of the song, i didn't really think much of it. but this week, that part hit. it hit hard.

kanye asks a very raw and honest question. a very necessary question. when it all falls down. when you are unable to find the light in your darkness. when your depression and anxiety tags team on you. when you've reached your end. who do you call? do you have someone to call?

i have always prided myself on being a self-motivator. being self-sufficient. being able to push through by myself if i need to. confiding in others has always been difficult for me due to this toxic idea i have of what strength is and what it should look like. a toxic idea that so many of us are familiar with. we allow ourselves to crumble without reaching out. we are drowning and rather than calling for a lifeguard, we drown. 

when it all falls down, who you gon' call now? 

finally, after weeks of sitting in my grief, i made that call. i reached out to my closest friends. i allowed them to guide me. i allowed them to remind me of my worth. to speak kindness to me. i allowed them to do for me what i wasnt able to do for myself. and it was hard. it was hard to show so much of what i called weakness. hard to express things i had been so ashamed to say out-loud. but i did it. i released it all and i can't say healing came instantly, but healing is coming. it is more clear now than before i made that call. 

when it fall down, who you gon' call now? 

here i am. bearing it all in hopes that you too will make that call. and while it's so easy to become reclusive and to fold in when it gets hard, that intimacy from those who love you will help with your healing. here i am, telling you to be kind to yourself. be patient with yourself. i am telling you to do for you what you would advise those you love to do for themselves. that load is too heavy to carry alone. release it.